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by Katie Peachesa April 08, 2020 2 min read

5 Sex Toys We Hope They Don't Make

By Elena Ognivtseva

There are some unusual sex toys on the market – from blow up dolls designed to look like Justin Bieber, to twinkling Twilight vibrators – but there are some sex toys that just shouldn't ever be made into a reality. CRACKED recently released a look at unusual sex toys that have been patented but aren't yet in production, and we've collected five of the strangest.

The Transparent Crotch, Patent # US 20060264856A1

This is like a fleshlight, but transparent so you can see exactly what's happening inside of your love tube. The designer created this out of his frustration with current male masturbation toys on the market that hide your manhood from view as you simulate sex although we're not sure why he'd think this is unrealistic! It's designed to be filled with liquid to simulate the flesh of a real partner without the hassle of having to find anyone to actually have sex with.

Masturbation powered motion controller, Patent # US 20100045595A1

Imagine if your computer could just know when you need some visual stimulus for personal masturbation sessions – and then provide you with the appropriate visuals. Well now it can, in theory. This patent filed is for a masturbation powered motion controller that measures how aroused you are and how quickly you're going with a series of rubber rings and metal gizmos. Not the most comfortable ride of your life, and certainly not as easy as just using the mouse key to change the pic.

Toothbrush Vibrator Adaptor, Patent # US 20070244418A1

It's basically a patent for a toothbrush with interchangeable heads: in the morning you use it to brush your teeth, and in the evenings you add on your penis attachment and you're ready to go! This really gross idea mixes up dental and genital hygiene which is problematic at best, and really should never make it to the shelves of your local adult store.

Safe Sex Suit, No d'enregistrement national (French): 198800 17191

The Safe Sex Suit allows the wearer to be fully wrapped in rubber from top to toe – with no holes barred as it provides a safe alternative to wearing a condom and transmitting bodily fluids. The wearer suits up and is completely protected from external influences (and potentially even air!) with tubes in all the wrong places and a pretty scary mask to boot. 'You'd also feel more if you stuck your dick in a tractor tire,' says Cracked, 'and at least then there are probably Internet groups you can hang out with.'

The Cock Measuring Bath, Patent # US 20060111650A1

This one isn't quite a sex toy, but it counts on the list of 'things we hope they don't mass produce'. This 'bath' is essentially a water filled tube used to measure water displacement based on the size of an inserted penis. You can then table your results and compare the amount of liquid left to all of your other friends who have the same gizmo. Because we really care.

Katie Peachesa
Katie Peachesa

Katie Peachesa is a sex and lingerie blogger based out of the urban chic Wapping in the heart of East London, United Kingdom. In her spare time, Katie enjoys photography, yoga and fitness, a bit of boxing, traveling, keeping up with the latest fashion trends and mudlarking and exploring pastoral settings. You are likely to find Katie in an artisan cafe in Brick Lane on a Saturday afternoon furiously typing her next article on her laptop whilst she is sipping on her flat white and drawing inspiration from the hustle and bustle in the heart of creative London. Katie runs the "Fashion Life Mag" and has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Allure, Grazia, Tatler, Evening Standard and other popular media outlets.


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