N.B. This is a true account of events from one anonymous friend.
My husband and I have three children and have been together for four years, the children range from 1-12.
We’re still very much in love although with a baby and a teenager we find that finding time for sex becomes quite difficult. We try to work around the baby’s nap time when the older two are out at school or we bolt the living room doors on the evening where we’re not nodding off by 9pm.
Recently, both being 33, we’ve noticed quite a few changes that seem to be preparing us for old age and these have had quite a knock on effect on our sex life too.
My husband has been complaining of backache along with an ugly looking varicose vein in his leg, whilst I’ve been complaining of muscle pain in my shoulder (due to carry a 20lb baby everywhere) and grey pubic hair.
We’ve been to the doctor with our complaints but were disappointed to learn they were classed as “wear and tear”, even more shocking was when the doctor said “it should be expected at your age.”
At the same time we both feel as though we’ve turned a corner and entered middle age. I made my husband promise to still love me when my nipples tickle my knees and he agreed he would as long as I didn’t mention the slapping sound of his saggy balls when we had sex.
Despite this we still see each other as teenagers as meeting when we were twelve we have that first impression ingrained in our minds, so the wrinkles don’t register somehow.
Last night after a manic weekend of friends, family, children and work we were cleaning the kitchen together when the old “I need to just squeeze behind you to put a jar in the cupboard” trick turned into a passionate quickie. Bolting the door, I hopped onto the granite worktop and hubby stood slightly on tip toes as we realised the counter was a little higher than in the last house!
We didn’t let it stop us though until the tip toes made his varicose veins begin to throb and then his whole leg went dead before he fell over. Although we giggled we had come too far to stop so settled for a grand finale using a dining chair instead.
However the dead leg and aches weren’t the only issues we faced this morning. Hubby now has a terrible muscle strain in his hamstring from the unusual exercise of thrusting whilst on the balls of his feet whilst I’ve developed piles for the first time in my life!
Chatting to my best friend candidly about the pain and uncomfortable infliction she told me the reason for my suffering was sitting on a cold granite work surface without any knickers on!
I didn’t’ know if this made me feel eight or eighty but one things for sure, we won’t be buying that bondage swing for Christmas now!
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