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by Katie Peachesa April 12, 2020 9 min read

BDSM Or The Art Of Kinky Sex

By Elena Ognivtseva

Come on own up, when was the last time you clicked on those dirty web sites and had your vicarious thrills by seeing men and women dressed in nothing other than harnesses, doing things to each other that can give any normal pervert a chill down his or her spine. You may raise your eyebrows in disgust, but in your heart of hearts you do sometimes get tempted to try out these things for yourself. And it is not only you lusty lads and dirty old men out there, it is also the oh-so-proper respectable ladies, who pine for such titillation.

Okay, so you insist that you're not one of them and swear that you don't even think of indulging in such filthy deeds. Well, no offense meant. But frankly, don't you think it's time to let go of your prudery about this sick stuff people do with whips, whipped creams and stuff and infuse some excitement into your love life gone limp. Read on and give a boost, if not to your sex life, then to your knowledge, about this bizarre form of entertainment.

BDSM defined

So what is BDSM? Simply stated it is an acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadomasochism. You may be surprised to know that these so called perversions come quite naturally to most, since some people naturally crave to be submissive and some dominant. If you just take a look at your own sex lives, you'll be surprised to find that you've already tried out some elements of BDSM without even being aware of it. Remember, how you shuddered and ended up in a heap, when your partner blindfolded you and traced the contours of your body with a feather or an ice cube? Welcome to the warped and weird world of BDSM.

Many of you may be relating BDSM only to hardcore sadism or masochism, but the truth is that it can also be remarkably subtle, highly erotic and psychologically charged. It may not even involve sex or sexual tension (just take a look at chastity belts for proof)! It is more of a power game, where one person agrees to submit to another to act out a fantasy. It is driven more by the needs of the submissive than by those of the dominant. And, in this game, the roles of the dominants and submissives are also not fixed and can be interchanged. You may be surprised to know that male submissives actually outnumber the female ones! Talk about role reversal!

BDSM isn't abuse

But, before you set out to explore the realm of this pain giving pleasure (or is it pleasure giving pain?), it's important to know, at the very outset, that BDSM isn't abuse. An abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs or limits of the victim, whereas in BDSM each partner is a willing one and has a say in whatever is done to him or her. Also, the victim of abuse is not at liberty to dictate the abusers actions or set limits to it, whereas BDSM caters to the needs and desires of those being dominated. For example, flogging isn't what you imagine it'd be like. For the most part, it's more stimulating than painful.

Choose your own fantasy

The good part about BDSM is that it's only limited by your imagination. There are countless ways in which you can enjoy inflicting pain on others or suffering delightful discomfiture yourself. If you think that inflicting or suffering pain isn't your idea of enjoyment, think again. Remember those agonizing deep body massages, where you all but cry and tears of joy roll down your cheeks in painful relief? You don't quit and in the end it proves so gratifying that you continue to come back for more. Same is the case with BDSM, which gets you so much sexually aroused that this kind of stimulation becomes fun and keeps you begging for more.

BDSM encompasses many wildly different practices and some really curious beliefs. But essentially, it gives you an opportunity to challenge your boundaries and test your limits. In the strictest sense, BDSM involves role-playing, where you may be dominant and your partner submissive or vice versa. This allows you to act out scenarios that are highly charged, psychologically and totally gratifying, physically. However, there're a few who don't opt for the dominant or submissive roles, as they don't get turned on by being tied up or by bossing their partners, or such other stuff. But they still enjoy their own version of BDSM fantasies. So, the important thing to know is that there is nothing known as proper BDSM. It is what you enjoy.

Safety first and always

There's no denying the fact that BDSM involves a controlled consensual minor abuse of the body, so it's always better to be safe than sorry. To cross the limit in the throes of ecstasy will not only lead to injuries, it may also dampen your partner's interest. So, you must follow a few safety tips before you queer the pitch for your partner. After all, you do want him or her to come back for more, don't you?

Give a hint of your intended action: Springing a surprise can be fun and may add to the pleasure of both, but you don't want to shock your partner with something that he or she may hate. Although, you don't need to necessarily give away your exact plans, it is always safe to throw in a hint of what's coming and how.

Slow and steady wins the race: There's a need to consider your every move deliberately for realizing your fantasy. And it requires preparation, both mental and physical. Don't be hasty in things you haven't tried yet. It requires some time to master the techniques and to start enjoying them. For example, don't immediately jump into the bed with your partner just after reading this article!

Agree upon a 'stop' word: "Please stop. No. Stop. Puleez. God, no. Oooh!?" Don't you just get turned on by your partner's whimpering and pleading for mercy? That's why the word stop and no doesn't qualify for stopping the act, when your partner actually wants you to. For you wouldn't know if he or she actually means it! So, it's a safe bet to agree upon a word or some action (remember, your partner may be gagged) that the submissive can use, when he or she doesn't want you to go ahead with what you're doing. Enough can be a good enough word and thumping the bed or the floor with hands or feet can be a convenient indication to stop the proceedings, much like what the wrestlers do.

Contingency planning: Just imagine, you excitedly pick up a pair of handcuffs from your box of naughty toys and slip them on your partner's wrists. As you set about your business, you suddenly realize, "Heck! Where are the keys?" and, at that very moment, someone knocks on the door! To avoid such awkward situations, always have some important stuff handy, like a pair of scissors, a knife or a blade to cut ropes or bandages. They should be safe enough to use in a hurry, if you're required to release your partner quickly. And don't forget to locate the keys first, before you use those handcuffs!

Games dominants and submissives play

Now let us come down to the brass tacks. What do you actually do? Out of almost limitless possibilities, there're some really exciting ones that you can safely introduce into your sex life. These love games can work for both, whether you are male dominant and female submissive or the other way round. Let us see them one by one and learn what they have to offer:

The arousing ice: Ice remains an all time favorite that has even been used by lesser mortals practicing normal sex! This great all-purpose sex toy and can be used in a number of ways. One time-tested method is to run an ice cube over your partner's body, preferably if he or she is blindfolded and bound. Another way is to place it in your mouth and run your lips and tongue over your partner's body. For a more imaginative play, make an ice dildo in the refrigerator and enjoy vaginal or anal play. Ice cream moulds may come in handy here!

The bewitching brush: Well, did you know that a brush can be used effectively to make your partner come? All you need to do is to blindfold and tie him or her up. Now, first taking the soft shaving or painting brush, begin by stroking the breasts, nipples, thighs and the sides of your partner, alternating it with a stiff toothbrush. This treatment is enough to get your partner moaning for more. Undoubtedly the only field of art where the canvas is more interesting than the painting!

The captivating clothespin: Did you know that clothespins have uses other than for hanging clothes out to dry? These little biters can work wonders if clamped on the most interesting sites of the body. Clamp them on the nipples, anywhere along the breasts, the sides, arms, legs and thighs and, yes, there too. These are sure to let a shiver of sexual excitement run through the body! Once you've clamped the clothespin, don't be in a hurry to remove them from your partner's body. The longer they stay on, the more intense will be the sensation, when they finally come off! After you and your partner have started enjoying the pain, you are ready to graduate to the next step. This involves stringing together a number of clothespins by means of a thread and clamping them along your partners' belly, breast or nipple. Once in position, all you need to do is to find the right time to pull them off sharply, one after the other, to his or her ecstatic delight. For more intense sensation, use small, plastic clothespins that have a sharper grip, than the larger wooden ones. So, the next time you find your neighbors at the supermarket insisting on such clothespins, you'd know what they're up to!

The thrilling knives: No, we are not recommending cutting down your partner to size. But, blunt butter knives can make psychologically powerful and engaging sex toys. It entails blindfolding and tying up the partner and slowly, very slowly, drawing the knife-edge over the back, chest, thighs and legs. Beginners need to take care not to draw it too hard over the skin. This game is not as risky as it sounds and it gives such an emotionally intense effect and erotically charged sensation that your partner will crave for more. For doubling the effect of the knife, keep it in the freezer before use. It will feel much sharper and your partner may believe that you are actually carving him or her up with the knife.

The fantastic flogger: A flogger is a multi-tailed whip and, despite its intimidating appearance, is not painful at all, provided, of course, you don't opt for the cheap ones available in many sex shops. The right one should've soft lashes and not thick and stiff ones and its edges should be rounded, like a deerskin flogger that doesn't hurt at all. Such a flogger will also not cause any injury. Remember, if you opt for flogging or even paddling or spanking your partner, be careful where you hit. The safe body sites are the butt, thighs or the upper back. To the experienced, even breasts are permitted. However, never hit the lower back, as there is a risk of kidney damage. Also spare the face and the neck.

The enticing bondage and restraint: So, this is the part that most of you ogle at on those kinky websites. This kind of domination, where you tie up your partner, may be quite stimulating for both. However, it's important to select what you tie up your partner with. Silk scarves or nylon stockings may seem soft, but are a strict no-no because they get tightened and may hinder or stop the circulation. Their knots, too, become difficult to undo. Good old-fashioned rope is actually far safer. When tying up your partner, don't get him or her in a spread-eagle position, since it can become uncomfortable or painful very quickly. It is best to tie up the submissive's arms to the side or to the waist, since such a position can be maintained for much longer. While selecting handcuffs, opt for those that can be double locked. Such handcuffs won't tighten up, even if you press or sit on them or struggle against them. While indulging in this game always be alert for tingling, numbness or coldness. These symptoms indicate that a nerve is being pressed or the circulation is being affected. In such circumstances, all you need to do is to loosen up the restraints, till the symptoms fade.

These games are not even the tip of the iceberg of what all encompasses BDSM. Suffice to say that these games are limited only by your imagination. That's why it's important to exchange notes and learn from each other!

The final word

If you have reached this far without hitting the back button, you're game for experiencing the deliciously erotic and mind-blowing sensations that devilishly borders on taboo. BDSM does more than just provide sexual gratification. It makes you aware of your own psychological limits when you inflict pain on your partner and your own physical limits when you endure pain perpetrated by him or her.

However, as with other things, it will be wise to adopt BDSM only if you feel comfortable with it both mentally and physically. If you find that your strict upbringing is not allowing you to be comfortable with these kinky acrobatics, by all means walk away. If you find yourself physically unable to undergo the torment, fine, you don't need to put your health on line. But if you're the adventurous sort, BDSM guarantees to add such great variety to your love life that you will never complaint of not getting enough!

Katie Peachesa
Katie Peachesa

Katie Peachesa is a sex and lingerie blogger based out of the urban chic Wapping in the heart of East London, United Kingdom. In her spare time, Katie enjoys photography, yoga and fitness, a bit of boxing, traveling, keeping up with the latest fashion trends and mudlarking and exploring pastoral settings. You are likely to find Katie in an artisan cafe in Brick Lane on a Saturday afternoon furiously typing her next article on her laptop whilst she is sipping on her flat white and drawing inspiration from the hustle and bustle in the heart of creative London. Katie runs the "Fashion Life Mag" and has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Allure, Grazia, Tatler, Evening Standard and other popular media outlets.


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