The world of dating can easily be compared to the ocean, with all manner of pretty, witty fishes that one should feel lucky to catch in your net. Being the deep, dark place that it is though, this ocean also harbors a selection of nasty sea-beasts that are best avoided. Treacherous creatures that they are, one often doesn’t realize that one’s sweetheart is a shark until it’s too late, so here’s a handy list of telltale signs for anyone thinking of going fishing.
First off we have the not-actually-single types, or as I prefer to call them, angler fish. The inviting light of a relationship with this charming individual is all you see at first, until you swim head first into the teeth of their current beloved. Tricky to identify, (what with their living in the darkest trenches of the deep and all) angler fish are best picked out by their chronic reluctance to get entangled in your life or social networks. They’ll stay just on the fringe, never sleeping at your house, taking inordinately long to respond to texts, and definitely shunning any Facebook relationship status updates. They have another special someone to take care of remember? If it feels like you’re only seeing a fraction of the person you’re dating, then you may have an angler fish on your hands.
Then there’s the drama whale. Appropriately named I think, these types will seem harmless enough at first, but the longer you spend with them, the greater your chances of being swallowed up. Their feelings are easily hurt, they’re never easy-going and they frequently need to “talk something out”. Fights will flare up over the smallest things, like your taking too long to reply to a text, or having friends of the opposite sex. The drama whale has a yawning need for validation, and getting too deeply embroiled with one will see you drowning in endless angst. Unless you have the tolerance for handling such a high-maintenance relationship, drama whales are best avoided.
Next up is the archetypal shark. As predatory as their name implies, these types are after one thing, and that’s the tastiest meat they can find. Dating sharks will keep things strictly on a “single and looking to mingle” basis, even though they crank up the charm with every interest they meet. They’ll make you feel exceptional, special and downright sexy, but you’re just a filler relationship; something with which to pass the time till they find someone tastier, and believe me, they’re always looking for fresh meat. It’s likely that you’re not the only person they’re seeing at any given time, so if you suspect you’re dating a shark, pay attention to their social life. If they have endless “friends” of the opposite sex which seem to be getting more attention than you are, that’s a definite warning sign. Avoid these types at all costs, because they’re only looking to take a bite out of you.
Then we have the serial monogamist. Lampreys by nature, these types constantly need someone to suction onto. Relationships aren’t about love for a lamprey, they’re about security. They’re the kind of person who simply can’t be content as a singleton and will happily settle for anyone with a pulse and some level of interest when it comes to picking a partner. They don’t discriminate; they just need someone to fill the void left behind by their last relationship. As such they’ll do their best to charm you into a serious relationship as fast as possible, with extravagant dates and “I love you’s” coming thick and fast. If you get the feeling that your date is more desperate to attach themselves to someone than genuinely interested in you, steer clear, they’re a lamprey.
Lastly we have the label-hating octopus. Most of us have dated one of these in our time, realizing at some point that we were in a relationship in everything but name. They wanted to sleep with us, spend time with us and share special moments with us, but they would run a mile at the first mention of the word “relationship”. Real commitment-phobic types, they’ll string you along for months on end with smokescreens like “why do we have to put a label on what we have?”, keeping you hopeful that eventually you’ll be official and can safely update that Facebook relationship status. Extricating yourself from their tentacles can be difficult, as it feels good to be getting the intimacy they provide, but ultimately they view relationships as a threat to their freedom and will flee at the first sign of things turning too serious, leaving you confused and heartbroken.
It pays to be careful when you go fishing – and if you know your types, you can choose hook a one-night stand or the ideal relationship. After all, to use the old cliché: there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
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