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by Katie Peachesa April 21, 2020 5 min read

Does my Partner have a Porn Addiction?

By Tatyana Dyachenko

It is tough to have a healthy relationship with an addict. This is especially true if your partner has a porn addiction. An addiction to pornography interferes with a person’s ability to have a normal and healthy relationship.

If your partner is always watching porn, then his attention is on him – not you – even when you’re trying to be intimate with them. To put it another way, if he has a relationship with pornography that is more important than his relationship with you, it’s almost like having an affair. Sadly, you can’t have it both ways.

Of course, some couples use pornography to light the fire in a relationship that has lost its spark. If there’s an agreement and you’re watching together for mutual benefit, that’s entirely different from one person having a porn addiction. If your partner has an addiction to pornography, there’s a good chance that you’ll feel like something was wrong with you. Your relationship is not fulfilling – at least not for you – and something has to change if you want to continue.

Signs of a Porn Addiction

The following are ten warning signs that your partner has a porn addiction. If at least some of them seem to fit, try not to ignore it – at least not if you hope to save your relationship.

1 – Your partner has become more withdrawn. If your spouse used to be active and now makes excuses to avoid social activities, spends unusual time online, or spending more and more time alone, it may be due to an obsession with pornography.

2- Spends an excessive amount of time online by themselves. People with a porn addiction often use the Internet to satisfy their craving for more. The food is basically endless, and lots of it is free. Red flags should go up even higher if your partner is reserved or tries to hide what they’ve been watching, or are online at night or early in the morning – when you’re in bed.

3 – Your partner appears emotionally far away from the relationship. This is often the most notable during sex. You are physically together, but that appears to be elsewhere mentally. You feel less satisfied and, as a result, did not seem to care. In extreme circumstances your partner may reject sex as he has a preference for pornography or has become reliant on it to reach climax.

4 – Your partner has become more critical of your shape or general appearance. Let’s be realistic, who can compete with a porn star? These people have surgically enhanced their bodies and spend hours in front of a make-up artist. They also tend to be very young. The more time your spouse spends watching porn, the more you would be compared to actors and models he has been watching for hours.

5 – The sexual tastes of your partner have changed. At the beginning of your relationship, you may have been very sexually compatible. But now it’s like you’re with someone entirely different. They may want to try new or unusual things that make you uncomfortable. They could be talking differently or acting differently every time you’re having sex. Perhaps tougher, more demanding, objectifying of you– not someone he loves.

6 – Your husband (excluding known health issues) cannot maintain an erection during sexual intercourse. It is not uncommon for people with a porn addiction to develop erectile dysfunction. While there are several valid medical reasons for erectile dysfunction, for a porn addict, the problem is usually not in the body but the state of the mind. Their minds have been conditioned to respond only to the hyper-erotic scenes that come with porn. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.

7 – He is elusive, lies, is defensive, or secretive. If your partner has a porn addiction then they are probably going to be keeping it a secret. If you suspect this and attempt to discuss this with them, they may become evasive or defensive. Secretive behaviour, private email accounts, and a general unwillingness to discuss the matter could be signs of an addict.

8 – Internet histories of their devices are empty. If you seriously believe there is an issue with porn, check the web browsers of your partner on their phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If Internet histories are constantly empty, this is a pretty good sign that they have been deleting the history to cover their tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an addiction to pornography on the Internet: affordability, accessibility, and anonymity. He called this the “Triple A engine.” The last factor, anonymity is key. The belief that no one knows where they go online gives a false sense of security.

9 – Financial patterns of your partner have changed. Are there mysterious charges on the statement of your credit card or bank account? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in the name of your husband? Since there is plenty of free porn online, addicts can enjoy without paying, but often when the addiction intensifies, they turn to pay for the material online or even physical elements (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not seem obvious as these companies often work hard to ensure the anonymity of their clients. If your partner refuses to talk about the unexplained charges, this is a big sign that they may be hiding their behaviour.

10 – Your husband seems more antisocial. Like any addict, your life revolves around finding the next buzz. This means rearranging your life so you can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviour can include lack of remorse for their actions, aggression, angry outbursts, constant lies, indifference to actions that harm others, or even easy of use of flattery and charm to manipulate others.

If any of these symptoms are observed, then your relationship may require some work. Without an open, honest conversation – which is always a challenge with an addict – it will not improve.

Your best bet to cope with it – remember it isn’t your fault – is to have a non-judgmental discussion regarding the topic and your feelings. If he refuses, then insist on counseling to talk about the relationship and why he feels he needs pornography in his life.

Working through any addiction is difficult and can be a long process. It has to start with admitting that there is a problem and then willing to do something about it.

Porn addiction can be dealt with, and I have personally been through it.
We worked through the issue with no judgement, blame or self-loathing (ok a little self-loathing). In the end we had to remove all forms of pornography from our lives to ensure that sexual arousal could be retrained and dependence removed.

The process will take a lot of trust and discussion, and unfortunately there may be a couple of mishaps along the way so it is important to have compassion and understanding.

Good luck!

Some may find this article interesting.

Katie Peachesa
Katie Peachesa

Katie Peachesa is a sex and lingerie blogger based out of the urban chic Wapping in the heart of East London, United Kingdom. In her spare time, Katie enjoys photography, yoga and fitness, a bit of boxing, traveling, keeping up with the latest fashion trends and mudlarking and exploring pastoral settings. You are likely to find Katie in an artisan cafe in Brick Lane on a Saturday afternoon furiously typing her next article on her laptop whilst she is sipping on her flat white and drawing inspiration from the hustle and bustle in the heart of creative London. Katie runs the "Fashion Life Mag" and has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Allure, Grazia, Tatler, Evening Standard and other popular media outlets.


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