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Bringing a dildo into a relationship can be a touchy subject. If your partner has never used a sex toy he or she may feel offended by the suggestion to use one. There are many reasons why people are weirded out by using a dildo (see misconceptions about dildos) but the main reason is just plain and simple –
fear of the unknown.
Approach the situation with consideration for your partner’s feeling and be open to listen to their point of view. Here are a couple of things you want to steer clear of doing when bringing up dildos to your partner.
This could prove to not only cause your partner to outright say no, but it may be detrimental to your relationship as well. Think about it. If your partner does not know that you have a dildo, he or she may feel like you lied or tricked them into doing something. This move might also make your partner feel inadequate since you needed a sex toy to secretly fulfill yourself. This will lead to hurt feelings, possibly resentment and the idea that you have a sexual advantage over your partner.
Imagine this, you and your partner are lovingly holding each other after a mind blowing sack session. You gently cares his or her hair and then say, “let’s use a dildo next time” or worse the down and dirty deed hasn’t even started yet and you start talking about sex toys. Bringing up your dildo at the wrong time could be a serious mood buster and if the topic is brought up before, during or after sex it could offend your partner. Don’t bring up the subject when the conversation will be rushed, because it will not be worked through. Talking about sex is difficult for some couple and if you don’t allot time to for the two of you to express yourselves it will never happen.
Never suggest using a dildo with your partner because you think he or she is not up to par sexually. A dildo should not be used to fix or mask a sexual incompatibility, it should be used to enhance already good sex. Stay away from phrases like “you don’t do this or that” or “you never . . . “ This will only make your partner want to do less more often.
Finally, if you get to the point where you partner is open and willing to experiment with a dildo, don’t make your sex toy the star of the show, in other words pay attention to your partner! Show your partner what you like and tell him or her how it feels. Encourage your partner by putting his or her hand over your to control the motion. Most important, make the grand finale a two-person act sans the dildo. At least in the beginning, it is important to let your partner know that you are completely satisfied with him or her and only seek to try something new with the dildo.
So now that you know what not to do when trying to get your partner to understand why it is sooo great to use a dildo together, you need to know what to do to close the deal.
Remember, just because you haven’t said or done anything bad, doesn’t mean that your partner is going to be ready for dildo play. You might still be treading on thin ice, so be cautious and always compassionate.
Here are some helpful tips that might turn you dildo talk into dildo play!
Make sure a discussion about dildos doesn’t happen when your partner is agitated. Sit down and relax or make a nice dinner. Set a comfortable ambiance in somewhere other than the bedroom, so your partner does not feel anxious or pressured.
As silly as it sounds, your partner might not know what a dildo is. He or she may have some common misconceptions about dildos that just need to be cleared up. Tell your partner the basics about a dildo and let them know that it is in no way a substitute for his or her affection, and only a way to spruce up an already fantastic love life!
Reinforce to your partner that there is nothing wrong with your sex life, in fact if you were dissatisfied you probably would have given up on talking about it. Tell your partner that you enjoy the two of you alone, but that you are curious about the way he or she could make you feel with a sex toy.
Naughty Nina Hartley has made some sex for dummies-like DVDs that are great for any one interested in any kind of sex. “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Sex Toys” is the perfect adult movie for you and your partner to watch together. Laugh at and learn about sex toys together. Comment on what the porn stars are doing and express that you would like to try it too.
Some partner might not watch porn at all or together. That’s ok. The Sinclair Intimacy Institute has created a video called “Making Sex Fun with Games and Toys” that touches on the topic of including sex toys in your relationship. The videos are put together by well known sex educators, therapist and researcher who have helped cement better relationships between many couples. As with the adult movie, discuss what is going on in the video with your partner.
If nothing else, listen to your partner. He or she has some very important things to say. Sex is a part of communication in the relationship, as is the conversation. If you don’t take the time to hear him or her out and be compassionate about their feelings and concerns dildos in your sexual routine will most likely be a no no.
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