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by Katie Peachesa April 16, 2020 3 min read

Is the thrill gone? What to do when the sex leaves the relationship

By Tatyana Dyachenko

The big question couples face after being together for a few years is, “Where did it go?” Sex becomes less frequent, and one partner may want it more than the other, or one partner may not want it at all. Can the relationship survive? If there is an imbalance in desire, then it’s going to be rough going. At some point, you lose that momentum. It’s no longer new. You both get busy with other things. Ironically, knowing that the other person is always there and available, often leads to less – not more sex.

Why does it stop?

It could be any number of reasons. Having kids is one of the big ones. It’s exhausting, especially in the first few years – and then after that, you’ve just lost the momentum after all that time and you get out of the habit. Another reason is the familiarity factor. Men especially get excited about new things – everything from new cars and motorcycles, to new women. The first time a man sees a woman without her clothes on, he gets so excited he can hardly contain himself. He’s seeing something for the first time. Even if he’s been with dozens of women, he’s seeing you for the first time, and that’s exciting. Seeing you naked for the hundredth time is still great, but he knows what to expect. The newness has worn off.

How do you counter that? The obvious answer is to keep it new. Yes, he knows what you look like naked, but he doesn’t know how you look in that brand new sexy lingerie you just bought. Sex is visual – especially for men. Keep that visual aspect exciting with new outfits, new lingerie, and new “play clothes” (schoolgirl, nurse, Princess Leia, or whatever turns him on). You could even spice things up with a vibrator or play toy, and there are plenty out there to keep things interesting! Wink Wink.

Finding the time

Sometimes is just about finding enough time. Work, children, and everything else seem to get in the way. When you just started going out, the phrase, “let’s go to bed” had a whole different meaning. Now, it just means you’re tired. This is where the date night and the vacations come in. Yes, it’s always great to be spontaneous, but there comes a time when that spontaneity just won’t come because of your busy schedules, so you have to incorporate a little planning into your sex lives. “Date night” sounds old and hackneyed, and there’s even a movie with Steve Carell and Tina Fey about a boring middle-aged couple who have boring date nights until they get caught up in an adventure. But the date night doesn’t have to be forced – take it for what it is and enjoy it. Use it to go different places (don’t go to the same restaurant and order the same food every time!). Check into a nice hotel, even though you’re still close to home. Keep it different and exciting every time.

Be like the French

Vacations too are always wonderful, especially if you can manage it without the kids for a few days. Many Aussies are some of the worst offenders when it comes to skimping on vacation days. The French of course take the prize, with something like 37 vacation days a year on average. Maybe that’s why they’re so romantic! Not much work gets done there, but I would wager that there’s a whole lot more sex going on than anyplace else in the world!

Katie Peachesa
Katie Peachesa

Katie Peachesa is a sex and lingerie blogger based out of the urban chic Wapping in the heart of East London, United Kingdom. In her spare time, Katie enjoys photography, yoga and fitness, a bit of boxing, traveling, keeping up with the latest fashion trends and mudlarking and exploring pastoral settings. You are likely to find Katie in an artisan cafe in Brick Lane on a Saturday afternoon furiously typing her next article on her laptop whilst she is sipping on her flat white and drawing inspiration from the hustle and bustle in the heart of creative London. Katie runs the "Fashion Life Mag" and has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Allure, Grazia, Tatler, Evening Standard and other popular media outlets.


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