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April 13, 2020 2 min read

More Scary Than Sexy

By Ksenia Sobchak

I’m not one to get critical when it comes to what people find attractive. You prefer your women a good foot taller than you? I’m not judging. Sometimes though, sexy meets weird in ways that are just too bizarre to ignore.

For instance, using hot models to sell your company’s brand of coffins? One Polish coffin maker decided that using a bevy of beauties to promote their grim product was an excellent idea. Queue an entire calendar of ladies posing in skin-tight outfits, astride coffins and in some cases, their occupants! One such pic sees a woman in a red corset, plucking the heart out of the dearly departed as he lies in his box. That’s a touch too close to necrophilia for my liking. It’s no surprise then that the Catholic Church has openly condemned the coffin bride collection, but it seems their protests have done nothing to get the album of macabre beauties censored.

While we’re on the topic of calendars, this one is as scatological as it gets. The 2013 “Ladies of Manure” calendar coming out this year in support of the Fertile Earth Foundation pairs beautiful women with...dung. Miss January beams happily at the camera while she sits panties-down on a commode which rests atop a pile of fertilizer. A blonde, bikini-clad beauty reclines in a trough of suspicious brown liquid, grinning all the while. The pics don’t get any more nausea-inducing than that thankfully, with the calendar actually receiving praise for being a “tasteful synergy” of beautiful women and excrement. I think I’ll stick to the coffin calendar actually.

I’ve saved the best for last, and by “best” I mean “weird and somewhat disturbing”. The Saddler’s Wells Trust put together a little stage production not too long ago, and every moment is a gem of bizarrely choreographed interpretative dance. We have antelope-like women springing across the stage, bare-breasted and brandishing crutches. A lone man on a skateboard with a phallic rod protruding from his mouth pelvic-thrusts his way from one end of the stage to the other. There are plenty of mostly-naked bodies about, so the show borders on the erotic, but at the point that a grinning maniac begins to beat his crutch-cock against metal like a dinner bell, the most perverse of us go limp.