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by Katie Peachesa April 09, 2020 2 min read

Stupid Sex Advice From Recognised Relationship Experts

By Tatyana Dyachenko

There are a whole host of relationship and sex advice gurus on the internet, some with qualifications in psychology and others that bleat to an audience of millions on a daily basis, such as Dear Deidre, however sometimes even these give the most horrific advice leaving us wondering where we're going wrong.

No.1 Mutual Masturbation is Ugly

One recognised guru recently gave this advice leading all readers to think that when they aroused themselves in front of a man the man found it revolting. Yet a woman masturbating is high up on the list of most viewed porn movies and set firmly in many men's minds, it also turns a woman on to see a man pleasuring himself over her body so I've no idea how awful this advice guru's genitals look!!

No.2 Put Marbles in the Fridge and Throw Them on the Bed before Riding Him

This actually came from a celebrated contemporary woman's magazine. To me it sounds like utter torture. Men have bones in their backs and if they're not already uncomfortable with the ice cold glass imagine how they'd feel as the hard marble sticks into their spine as your thrusts cause the intense pain? No thanks.

No.3 Pinch your Kids Toys and Use Them to Play Adult Versions

Not only is sex the one time we don't want to think about our precious little people, this is just plain wrong. There are countless ex toys and games out there for adults, why would we want to pinch baby Annabel or Hungry Hippos to get off?

No.4 Make a Bedroom Burrito! While you're rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can't do anything with her arms. Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. Now kiss every inch of exposed skin.

This may be fun for some but not for me. I don't mind being tied up at all, but being put in a strait jacket like contraption would drive me insane. Not least because of the impromptu nature of it but also due to how uncomfortable it's bound to be and exactly what exposed skin will there be when an average sized woman is covered in a King Size sheet?

No.5 Put Chilli Sauce all over his Manhood to add an Extra Tingle

Anyone that's every chopped a chilli then wiped touched their genitals will know why this is such a bad idea. Even those that haven't experienced this pain will know how debilitating it is when some gets in your eye. Now imagine this under the foreskin and travelling down the urethra or urinary tract? If I did this to my partner I'd completely understand if he got me back by sharing the tingly magic!

No.6 Massage his Back with a Rolling Pin

There's a reason why massagers have a little give and are usually only six inches long, the spine is not made for massage. Kneading a spine like a piece of dough can cause untold damage and this advice can actually be quite dangerous. Bones are not as soft as uncooked pastry, thank goodness!

Katie Peachesa
Katie Peachesa

Katie Peachesa is a sex and lingerie blogger based out of the urban chic Wapping in the heart of East London, United Kingdom. In her spare time, Katie enjoys photography, yoga and fitness, a bit of boxing, traveling, keeping up with the latest fashion trends and mudlarking and exploring pastoral settings. You are likely to find Katie in an artisan cafe in Brick Lane on a Saturday afternoon furiously typing her next article on her laptop whilst she is sipping on her flat white and drawing inspiration from the hustle and bustle in the heart of creative London. Katie runs the "Fashion Life Mag" and has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Allure, Grazia, Tatler, Evening Standard and other popular media outlets.

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