Putting porn into perspective
Pornography is everywhere. We are inundated with it online so much so that with a few clicks of the mouse we can have access to real-time porn anytime we want. In fact, it’s hard to imagine that adult magazines with their one dimensional images ever cut it!
But is all this in-your-face porn a good thing?
While adult porn has been blamed for an increase in both social and sexual problems, I think in general it has been wrongly maligned. Sure, too much of a good thing is going to cause difficulties for both the couple and the individual but if used properly porn can definitely benefit a relationship ... at least to some extent.
The positives
The old cliché that the brain is our biggest sexual organ remains so true – and of course porn becomes a vehicle and catalyst of ultimate escape – within the confines of our brain and imagination. Masturbation is often the end goal – but this is another article in itself – and mostly that’s a healthy pursuit!
Porn can spice up a monotonous sex life and can become an attractive option for couples where there may be unresolved conflict, anguish, or rejection. While it won’t cure an ailing relationship, it can act as a quick fix or a temporary measure for those wanting to stay together but avoid confrontation and who may therefore find that masturbation to porn or a romantic novel is far more appealing.
Interestingly in the post ’50 Shades’ era, many would agree that this is yet another form of porn, although I tend to think somehow more socially acceptable – only because as a society we have given permission for it to be so.
The negatives
Problems with porn inevitably emerge when its use becomes habitual or as an ongoing substitute to other physical intimacy in the marriage or relationship. Couples can become emotionally disengaged if one partner has become increasingly obsessed with porn and has withdrawn from the relationship. For others thinking of porn during sex may enhance the erotic pleasure but it can and often does lead to one disconnecting during sex.
Avoid dependency on porn
As I said before, over-use can become dangerous so if you’re finding you are substituting porn for available sex with your partner, be careful and try to change your behaviour. Not only does porn obsession create dependency but it erodes the emotional intimacy within a couple and this is not good. Emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for great, fulfilling lovemaking, irrespective of individual age and duration of relationship.
Leading to unrealistic expectations
The reality is that sex does get less interesting, less frequent, less nourishing and less intimate in long term unions and this is something that many people forget (or choose to ignore!). Too many of us get seduced (literally) by perceived fantasy portrayed in the movies or even in online porn as being real and our expectations become incongruously distorted.
Despite what you may have viewed online recently, sex doesn’t last for hours, few women can reach orgasm with penetrative sex and penises are rarely that big! Bear in mind you’re probably looking at stunt penises not the real thing.
The pursuit of sexual wellbeing
More recently I’ve been advocating that our sexual wellbeing is not necessarily directly correlated with our current sexual activity or lack thereof. You see, many of us tend to use our current sexual life as a direct barometer of ‘satisfaction’ or lack of satisfaction but we shouldn’t be placing that much importance on it.
Having a good sex life is wonderful if you can get it but it does not equate with general happiness and satisfaction with life. Sexual wellbeing is about protecting and nurturing the sexual health of you and your partner (whether that person is a partner of 50 years or a new partner of 50 minutes), getting the most from your sex life in any way that you can and feeling confident and happy about yourself.
If porn enriches your sexual wellbeing, that’s good. If not, perhaps it’s time to leave it alone.