WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO FORGIVE UNFAITHFULNESS?

Love is a complex topic, and people are aware of it. People have written a lot about it, held arguments, and coined several phrases to express its immense force. People have also taken it for granted that if you're single, you'll find your perfect fit, your soul partner, one day. Such a complicated feeling has spawned a whole industry.

Infidelity is one of the toughest challenges couples can face. Some may share the issue with others, while others keep it secret. Most couples fear admitting mistakes because they feel embarrassed. Those seeking therapy have one thing in common, regardless of how long it has gone.

Many unfaithful spouses wish to save their relationships and seek forgiveness quickly, but some cannot forgive until they are certain their partner knows the anguish the act has inflicted.

Understanding Unfaithfulness's Impact 

Infidelity can take various forms, and it isn't always associated with a romantic partner. Infidelity frequently manifests itself as a new relationship separate from the primary one, as Blow & Hartnett (2005) noted. In rare cases, infidelity may go undetected by all parties involved. An affair implies that a person was unfaithful over a long time with an affair partner who was a willing and active participant. Infidelity, according to some, also includes having secret thoughts about someone other than a spouse or forming an emotional bond with someone outside of the primary partnership. In addition, a partner can be disloyal by concealing money or debt.

Infidelity is usually demonstrated by:

• Guilt about breaching relationship boundaries, especially if one spouse is unaware of the situation, as Valentine (2013) stated.
• Acts or ideas that one spouse keeps hidden when they know another would disapprove. A person feels betrayed when one's actions or thoughts are found or revealed.
• Unfaithful individuals may be unaware that they have overstepped the mark into infidelity. It's also possible that they didn't mean to hurt their partner. However, individuals often realize that the pain suffered by the other person extends deeper than they'd have anticipated in the wake of unfaithfulness.

What Does Forgiveness Mean

The unfaithful party may expect to be forgiven when adultery is discovered. Forgiveness is a vital aspect of unfaithful recovery, and it does not come at the start of the process. Reconciliation usually occurs near the final stage. Forgiveness usually implies the finish line for the deceived partner because it can be a risky proposition, as Case (2005) stated.

Forgiveness can seem difficult since it implies certain views that some people don't necessarily agree with. Below are views for forgiveness.

I'll Never Be Wounded or Angry Again.

Lovers seeking to recover may slip into different roles whenever an affair is uncovered. The "good" spouse is the one who has been betrayed, whereas the bad spouse is the unfaithful one. They will continue to play these roles until the "good" partner sees the "bad" spouse starting to comprehend the pain they have suffered as a result of the "bad" spouse's actions.

According to Johnson & Millikin (2001), injuries resulting from a violation of trust, such as adultery, can result in feelings and sensations interfering with daily routines. In this scenario, the betrayed spouse may believe that it is desirable to forgive for the sake of the relationship but that doing so will take away the agony of the experience. They may believe that by forgiving, they would never be able to heal from the suffering or learn what they need to know to avoid it from repeating.

I Am Pardoning or Accepting Your Actions.

Some partners struggle with the concept that forgiving adultery does not make it acceptable. Some compare it to raising kids: it is acceptable if there is no punishment for bad behavior. Lovers who have been wronged may believe that they are granting the unfaithful partner a pass by forgiving. However, both parties must try to distinguish the anguish of the rupture from either the freedom of forgiveness. The truth is that forgiveness is reserved for the forgiver. It may be helpful to imagine forgiving as casting the burden of your anguish and pain into the sea.

Now I Have to Want to Make the Relationship Work Again.

A spouse who's been unfaithful might assume that the love would restore itself after they have been forgiven. It, however, may not be the case. A  person may not be ready to rebuild the relationship at that moment or in the future, even if they can forgive.

Infidelity recovery may not necessarily aim for restoration, and it will not always have to include both spouses. One or both couples may prefer to recover on their own at times. Some people believe that forgiving an unfaithful lover entails ending the affair. Many unfaithful spouses may also choose to end the relationship in the same way.

Levels to Recovery 

• The first stage, forgiveness, entails absolving oneself of the consequences of one's actions. When individuals are in pain, they may find it difficult to recover.
• Reconciliation is the next step. This level is unique to each individual. Many partners might find that this is the most suitable counseling objective for them, as they desire to start something unique together out of the ruins of their previous relationship. They decide to focus on building a new relationship that integrates their previous experience after realizing the old one was broken. It's a careful t's approach because the betrayed spouse may continue to search the relationship for signs of problems even after healing.
• Restoration is the highest level of forgiveness. Numerous couples strive for this level because it signifies that the relationship has been restored to its prior status.

Conclusion

Most people prefer to recuperate when offended or cheated on by their partners. Healing is essential before they forgive, though it can be quite challenging as they think of the mistake. The ability to forgive depends on the mistake because people weigh mistakes. Unfaithfulness is difficult to forgive. Reconciliation is required to restore trust, but it is vital to note that forgiveness does not always imply reconciliation.

Reference:

Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity In Committed Relati0nships Ii: A Substantive Review. Journal Of Marital And Family Therapy, 31(2), 217-233.

Case, B. (2005). Healing The Wounds Of Infidelity Through The Healing Power Of Apology And Forgiveness. Journal Of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 4(2-3), 41-54.

Johnson, S. M., Makinen, J. A., & Millikin, J. W. (2001). Attachment Injuries In Couple Relationships: A New Perspective On Impasses In Couples Therapy. Journal Of Marital And Family Therapy, 27(2), 145-155.

Valentine, C. (2013). Identity And Post-Mortem Relationships In The Narratives Of British And Japanese Mourners. The Sociological Review, 61(2), 383-401.