How “Normal” Is My Sexless Marriage

What is a sexless marriage? Can a marriage exist without sexual intercourse? How can a sexless marriage be achieved? What are some of the causes that can result in a sexless marriage? This article explains how normal is a sexless marriage to an individual.

A sexless marriage is where the couple does not have sex or rarely has sex. Couples go through episodes of more or less sex than they used to have. Sometimes they may not have sex for months and sometimes years. When a couple has infrequent sex, it may also be a sexless marriage. There is no amount of sex that has been fixed as the frequency that people should have sex. The amount is relative, and the reasons for having a sexless marriage differ from one couple to the next. Whether a sexless marriage is normal or not depends on the issues below:

Different Levels of Sexual Desires

Some people need and want sex more often than others. According to Tsuji (2018), sexual desires usually do not match between couples as most individuals are sexually incompatible as far as sexual desires are concerned. For marriage not to be sexless, they will find a meeting point to be a match. However, if couples do not try to solve the mismatch, the partner who wants more sex but gets less of it will be disgruntled toward the other partner. There may be some resentfulness from that partner too. If the partner who wants it more continues to be in the marriage without their sex need being met, they may say that their marriage sex is sexless. Since they can have a solution for it, then this means that having a sexless marriage because of different levels of sexual desire is not normal. They may need to visit a therapist.

Life Issues

As soon as the honeymoon phase, the couple has to join the rest of humanity in the hustle and bustle of life. While at it, there may be insufficient finances, grief over the loss of a loved one, and even childbirth. These transitions are usually temporary, and after the couple passes through the tough times or finds ways to cope, they can get back on the sheets. If the couple does not have frequent sex or is not having sex for up to a year after a transition, then that is not normal. They will probably need marriage counseling.

Communication Problems

Bois et al. (2016) explained that the first step towards intimacy is communication. We can assume that the people who enjoy the best communication have the most sex. That's why we worry when our partners seem to enjoy communication with someone else than they do with us. We know that our partner is going towards physical infidelity because they are already cheating emotionally. When a couple is hope with each other and can communicate properly about anything, their sex life also benefits because they can tell their partner what they want. They can communicate how they want to have sex. They can tell their partner why they do not want to have sex, and their partner will know what to improve or what to do to make their sex life better. Some people have sexless marriages because they are bottling up some resentment. They are probably angry at their partner for something they did or did not do. Some are angry about something that they misunderstood. There is almost no problem that healthy communication cannot solve.

Health Issues

Some health issues affect our sex life and desires. Crooks et al. (2021) stated that some medical conditions, such as cancer and heart diseases, can affect our libido. GERD can make it impossible to have sex. Some make sex painful, for instance, a dry vagina. Some have an impact on us emotionally, like depression. When a person is depressed, the brain suffers. The brain has been described as the first 'sex organ.' Therefore a depressed person has low or no sexual desire. Health issues are a genuine contributor to a sexless marriage. But most health problems have solutions, and the medical practitioners may be the best person to visit for ideas on how to rescue the sex problem.

Hormonal Imbalance

When there is a spike or fluctuation in hormones, there may affect your sexual desire. According to Caglayan et al. (2018), hormone imbalance can be caused by pregnancy, menopause, or age. During menstruation, a woman undergoes hormone imbalance and thus may not want to have sex, resulting in a sexless marriage. Hormonal imbalances causing a sexless marriage are normal, and the couple should visit a health practitioner to be advised on what to do.

Medication 

Some medicines can affect a person's sexual desire, for example, antidepressants and opioids. They make the patient feel better but not better enough to want to have sex because the side effects affect the sex drive. 

Infidelity

If a partner has an extra-marital affair, this can affect how the partner relates to each other. Infidelity can make one opt not to want to be intimate with their partner. The reason may be that the partner feels betrayed or feels as if the other partner has defiled their marriage. They may want to deny their partner sex as punishment or be completely turned off. Sometimes chatting can make you not want to get intimate with your partner because you have developed feelings toward the person you cheated with. Cheating can have a huge impact on sex. If the couple wants to improve their sex life or bring back sex into the relationship, they may need to involve a third party to help them communicate their way out of a sexless marriage.

Conclusion

Sexless marriage may be normal. However, if one or both partners are frustrated about the lack of sex, it is not normal no matter what issue the couple is going through because sex is very important. That's the main reason why a couple gets into a marriage. If the partner is not having sex in the marriage, they may have to cheat on their partner to fulfill that sexual desire. The couple should be able to communicate about ways to get their sex life back on track, at least to secure the marriage. They need to involve therapists or medical practitioners because some problems may be beyond them. For instance, when a medication is causing low libido, the couple may seek advice to understand their options.

References

Bois, K., Bergeron, S., Rosen, N., Mayrand, M. H., Brassard, A., & Sadikaj, G. (2016). Intimacy, Sexual Satisfaction, And Sexual Distress In Vulvodynia Couples: An Observational Study. Health Psychology, 35(6), 531. 

Caglayan, C., Kandemir, F. M., Yıldırım, S., Kucukler, S., Kılınc, M. A., & Saglam, Y. S. (2018). Zingerone Ameliorates Cisplatin‐Induced Ovarian And Uterine Toxicity By Suppressing Sex Hormone Imbalances, Oxidative Stress, Inflammation, And Apoptosis In Female Wistar Rats. Biomedicine & Pharmacotherapy, 102, 517-530.

Crooks, R. L., Baur, K., & Widman, L. (2020). Our Sexuality. Cengage Learning.

Tsuji, R. (2018). Sexless Marriage In Japan As Women’s Political Resistance. Feminist

Encounters: A Journal Of Critical Studies In Culture And Politics, 2(2), 1-10.