By Tatyana Dyachenko

The sex toys industry is a busy one with an impressive array of toys having been created to pleasure ourselves in all possible ways.  When you go to a website like Pleasure Delights that sells top quality sex toys, you can be certain that you get something safe and fun.  But what about if you want something to scare the hell out of a partner and put them off being in the same bedroom as you forever?  Never fear, the strange end of the sex toys industry can help!

1. Noodle King

Sounds like a place to dine out with the family, right?  Wrong, this is a very weird idea for a sex toy that if you present to a guy, there’s a good chance you won’t see him for the dust he creates as he runs away.  The toy looks like a big penis, which isn’t ideal for some guys, but okay.  But when you do place yourself in it, the inside is filled with worms.  Why?  Who knows but someone decided it was a good idea for a novel sex toy.

2. Knees up

Often sex toys are designed to look like parts of the human body to replicate certain pleasurable processes.  But what about a sex toy that looks like a half person?  That’s what the Master Series Knees Up is – a weird half person that you can interact with and there’s even a version where the knees bend into weird and impossible positions.  And that isn’t the only one out there on the market – looks more like something from a horror movie set!

3. The Concubine

This is another one that looks more like something from a horror movie set and combines a series of body parts and a weird remote control idea to create a sex toy that doesn’t seem at all playful.  Pull one of these out to try in the bedroom and you won’t have to worry about the breakup conversation.

4. Tama Toys

You remember as a kid when you had those shape toys and tried to put a square brick into a round hole?  It didn’t go, and neither would the Tama Toys – which is some kind of strange brick invention that is designed to go somewhere but obviously not on a normal human being.  More torture device than a sex toy?

5. Sex furniture

Sex toys are one thing, but sex furniture seems to be another, slightly frightening idea altogether.  On example is the Satyr, a silicone stool which vibrates, has a hole in one end and is designed to ‘normalise ideas about sex’ although no-one seems to be quite sure how a vibrating stool is going to accomplish this.

6. Spiked gloves

Spiked gloves sound okay for mountaineering or ice sheet climbing but for masturbation?  Okay, they are soft spikes not real metal ones but if you approach a guy with these things on your hands and a suggestive look on your face, I don’t think your chances of anything are strong.

7. Blowjob machine

Offer up this machine to the man in your life and suggest he insert his most delicate parts into it – what answer do you think you will get?  This is a real auto functioning blowjob machine that has been born in the depth of someone’s mind but luckily is still in the design stages at the moment.  Although it is a crowd-funded project so if you want to invest in getting rid of a future boyfriend quickly, this might be the place to put your money.

8. Electric condom

Now there are people out there who like to play with a little electricity and that’s cool.  But the Electric Eel might even be a little much for those people.  The idea is to wear it like a normal condom and then ‘enjoy’ the sensation of a low voltage passing through yours and your partner's intimate areas.  It is essentially a weird sock filled with wires that you calmly place over your penis and hope there isn’t an overload.  Definitely on the list, if you want to change boyfriends – simply hold one up and smile!

9. Real Touch

Virtual reality is making a big impact on the world of sex toys.  And that can be fun and interesting with porn sites quick to invent new ways to use the tech and the sex toys industry learning to work with those VR headset manufacturers.  But the Real Touch is an example of new tech gone badly wrong.  It is meant to create sensations that match what you are watching on the TV – more real reality than virtual reality.  But it involves using something that looks more like an old-fashioned washing mangle than a real sex toy.  Anyone up for a go?

10. The Implanter

Many of these horrors have been aimed mostly at the guys but here’s one for the ladies and it is a real stunner.  Someone came up with the idea of a tube that you insert into areas of your body and while it is there, it infects some translucent eggs into the area.  Why?  No-one seems to be really sure but if you explain it to a woman, you can almost guarantee her reaction.  And I don’t think it will be along the lines of ‘that sounds like fun!’

Conclusion

There’s no doubt that sex toys can be a fun thing for couples to experiment with.  But you may not have the need if you have a top class model as your companion. Either Way, there are lots of high quality items that can pleasure one or both of you in the bedroom and let you try something different.  But there are also some real horrors out there like these ten items show – the kind of stuff that seems more designed to torture than to pleasure!

The advice when buying sex toys is simple – look for something that you can clearly understand how it works, make sure it is well made from high quality materials and that it seems like fun.  If it sounds like an extra from a horror movie, maybe go for the next option!