Nice Guys, You're Pressuring Her into Sex Without Realizing

By Elena Ognivtseva

A guy and a girl hook up. They’ve been on a few dates and now they’re cuddling on the couch together. It’s late, there’s been a movie and some drinks, and hands have started wandering down clothing.

Let’s call the guy Andrew and the girl Lee. Andrew thinks he’s about to get laid and he can’t wait. Lee by contrast is just starting to get comfortable. She knows she’s attracted and might even sleep with him eventually but right now she just wants to fool around a little. Things are pretty hot and heavy though and eventually Andrew asks “Ummm, should I get a condom?” This stops Lee for a bit. She’s not ready to go all the way but she appreciates actually being asked. She smiles and says “no love, not tonight”.

Now Andrew is a nice guy and he accepts her wishes. He’s a little disappointed but he’s still getting some bump and grind so he doesn’t really mind. Inwardly he congratulates himself. He’s not one of “those” guys who would ever force themselves on a woman. Lee meanwhile is breathing a sigh of relief. Now she knows for sure that Andrew isn’t one of “those” guys, and she can relax. She can be intimate without feeling like he expects sex.

Then ten minutes later when things have become really intimate and he’s starting to worry about where this is all leading, Andrew asks again, “Are you sure about that condom?” and that’s the point at which a lot of women have a problem.

Most of us think that so long as it’s not rape, sex is 100% consensual, but it’s not that simple. Andrew isn’t forcing Lee to do anything, but he’s pressuring her into it. He’s making it clear that he’d far rather be getting his freak on than having to remain a decent bloke. True, for him, he might just be worrying about where things are leading and he’d rather be safe than sorry, but that’s not quite how it turns out.

Lee doesn’t want to bruise his ego so she playfully answers with “yes, I’m sure” and a flirtatious laugh. She wants to be intimate but doesn’t want to take the plunge yet. She wants to make that clear but doesn’t want to ruin the mood. Except a little later Andrew asks “Are you really sure? You look really into it and I promise I’ll be gentle...”

Andrew really is a nice guy. He would never force a woman into anything, but what he doesn’t realize is that by making his lover reassert herself over and over, he’s pressuring her to give him what he wants, whether he realizes it or not. Most girls will cave. They may not sleep with him but they’ll probably go further than they intended. Women see that kind of scenario as only having two choices: hold out and look like a bitch who was just teasing, or cave so he won’t dump me for lack of sex. That’s not a position you want to put anyone in – especially if that’s not your intention and you’re just trying to be nice.

Nice guy that he is, Andrew doesn’t realize what he’s doing and with Lee trying to spare his ego she never just out and tells him “Look, I don’t want to fuck, I just want to fool around.”

Let me make things clear for all the nice guys. Yeah man, you’re trying to do the right thing despite your lusts but if you’re not sure whether she wants it or not, there’s a simple rule of thumb: ask once and after that, don’t bring it up again. The worst that can happen? You don’t get laid that night. The best? She trusts you more deeply than before and you net yourself a great girlfriend.