Content Verification

Written by:✓

Katie Lasson
Sex and Relationship Adviser

Medically Reviewed by:✓

Veronika Matutyte
Medical Doctor

Fact Checked by:✓

Barbara Santini
Psychologist and Sex and Relationships Advisor

By Tatyana Dyachenko

Foreplay, or lack of foreplay, is usually an issue that concerns men and the women they fail to please. However, either gender may have problems extending foreplay and prolonging the sexual experience. It’s easy to understand why there is a problem here. Much of what we learn about sex, from TV and movies, from pornography, from class room talk or dirty jokes, is a warped view of what sex is supposed to be.

It’s no wonder that so many men shorten the foreplay session and straight go for the breasts or vagina, because this is precisely what our society has taught them to do. The Westernized view of sex teaches that sex is about conquest. We tend to fantasize and imagine perfect sexual scenarios far removed from reality. Some men may even think in terms of, “If I don’t get laid now, I won’t get the chance again!” and so hurry through the process. If you believe the images you see in porn or read about in romantic novels you may even believe that real men are incredibly endowed, supernaturally gifted in staying power, and perfect lovers right from the get go!

All of these attitudes and misconceptions will teach you to have sex the wrong way. What is the wrong type of sex? Fast, thoughtless, goal-oriented sex. This is the worst way to go about it, because if you don’t really enjoy what you’re doing you will inevitably disappoint your partner and fall short of your own expectations.

In reality, the best sex is when you savour the moment. What does it mean to savour something? It means that you take your time. You’re in no rush to complete anything because you want to keep the experience going and going and going. Forcing a woman to have an orgasm as soon as possible is not realistic or particularly romantic. While there is no universal science that suggests all women like sex the same way, it is safe to assume that the majority of females do enjoy long sessions of foreplay.

Long foreplay allows for the stimulation of multiple erogenous zones (such as the lips, neck, breasts, nipples, stomach, back, buttocks, thighs, knees and feet). Properly stimulating organs like the breasts, the clitoris, the vagina and even non-sexual parts of the woman’s body over a period of time, can even lead to multiple orgasms. Being aware of your partner’s satisfaction and being observant as to her signs of pleasure is also important. Having increased awareness can help your determine what you should do to continue pleasing your partner. On the other hand, selfishly going after what you want, with no regard to what your partner is feeling, is sure to cause relationship trouble.

Last but not least, remember that communication is essential to a healthy sex life. It’s hard to be a good lover if you cannot communicate with your partner. Ideally, your partner will give you signals indicating how aroused she is, and more signals guiding you on what to do next to make her come. Communication doesn’t have to be dry dialogue. Some couples can communicate without words; they use sounds, body movements, breathing and facial gestures to convey their sexual response.

The most important point to take home is this: slow things down. You will enjoy sex twice as much if you savour the moment and try to extend the length. What are you going to do after sex anyway? Eat? Read? Watch TV? What could possibly be better than enjoying sex with a partner you love? Savour your beautiful partner the next time you get the privilege of making love!